There I was...sitting on the toilet scrolling through facebook as my legs numbed. Don't judge, I know you do it too! ;) I rubbed the sleepiness from my eyes and saw this picture from a year ago today. Facebook so graciously reminded me! (much like satan, it reminds me daily of my past mistakes, thanks a lot FB! LOLOLOL)
I stared, as if it were another girl. It is. I forced a smile, trying to convince myself that it's ok. Today was okay, and that was all that mattered because that's all I had to get through. I looked into my own eyes from one year ago today and thought to myself, "and yet no one knew of all I was going through, and little did I know it was about to become 100x worse. Little girl, just get out." My whole life I saw abusive relationships modeled for me inside my home and out. I promised myself to never be like the women in those relationships because I saw the hurt in their eyes. I saw how they lost themselves and I watched them lose their voices and their children. There was my first mistake.
If you know me you know I am usually a....blunt.....person. Thank my teammates from the world race for bringing that to the FRONT burner during feedback! LOL I usually think of myself as strong, bold and not afraid to speak my mind, sometimes to a fault. It can be a downfall.
Promising myself I wouldn't be a certain way was a dive down the path of defeat. For example, when driving.....if you focus on something in the other lane, you tend to veer towards it a bit without realizing. You go where your focus is even if you don't mean to. The only way to correct it is to refocus ahead. So in my promise to myself never to be like certain people I ended up right in that same pathway.
I used to think "Why don't these women just leave?! Don't they think they deserve better? There is always help out there, whether it be a church or friends/family. Why do they stay? or worse, leave and come back." I judged thinking it was a bit like a dog coming back to it's own vomit. I judged thinking "they just need to get some balls and speak up! I'd never be afraid to do THAT! There is no way in hell I'd let a man treat ME like that. I wish a &%$#@ would!" (excuse the ghetto.....that came built-in ;))
Wwweeeeellllllll, last year I found myself humbled. I have been pretty silent when it comes to releasing details about what this last year held for me. Needless to say i've been in 3 homes and it's only June! To the women I used to judge, I am so so sorry. I found myself in your same silence, and it wasn't golden. It's a pretty lonely black hole, one that I never expected would take me so low. (insert "Never ever" by All Saints playing in the background lmao)
Ya'll I was silent because 1. I was ashamed I lost my voice. The one I had to work so hard for and found again on the World Race. 2. I had the attitude of "it's nobody's business", I didn't want to be the talk of my workplace, or for anyone to feel bad for me. 3. I wanted to turn it into something that could maybe help others but didn't know how to convey it without being disrespectful towards my ex. I didn't want to divulge too much information that would portray him any type of bad way because he really does have a sweet side. 4. I still respect his family and in no way want to bring more unnecessary turmoil. I simply didn't think I could relay it without having an underlying message of bitterness and anger seeping through.
Through my heartbreak I learned that God is the ONLY constant in our lives. and also that I'm really glad He gave me Leo. (my fur baby seen below) EVERYTHING else is a variable. You'd think I'd have learned that enough on the race but ya know.......I'm stubborn.
SO, THIS IS ME SPEAKING TO THE GIRL THAT THINKS SHE'S ALONE. You're not, there are many in similar situations, please oh please reach out, don't wait. To the girl that thinks she should just give up on life because she's not worthy.... "he doesn't love me, who will?" "if he thinks I'm (----) then why would others think any different?" ......baby girl, you're SO worthy. I even thought "I'm ashamed in front of my family because I've LET myself go through this. stay in this. they'll think less of me for it." (which is lunacy btw) NOBODY thinks less of you darling, and besides if they do then they don't know what it's like, they're coming from a naive place of pre-judging (like I was).
Listen up girl, the devil is here to KILL, STEAL, & DESTROY. "It's not a question of if, but when." (wise words from Becca) Literally 4 days after said altercation I got in my horrible car accident. Injury upon injury. The devil never let up on his plans for me, and I gave him legal ground to carry them out by letting myself sit in that situation. I was figuratively sitting in my own shit and didn't know how to get out.
There were good ....no.....there were GREAT times. I loved hard and without hesitation. There were times of sweetness, serving, giving, etc. Then there were times of verbal/physical/emotional/ mental abuse, cycles of highs and lows. I'm here to let you know that you're love for him is so real & valid and his may be real for you too. But that does NOT mean you should stay. There is no "does the good outweigh the bad?" "Can I handle some crappy times to keep my life the way it is?" "with the good comes the bad", "I've made my bed, I've got to lie in it." "can't always run from your problems, you'll never have a life" "if you leave then you never loved him", "I thought you were different from the others." Some of these are the things others said to me as I walked out the door. I didn't argue because I knew they were just coming from a place of hurt or misunderstanding. BUT that doesn't mean they're right. and that DOESN'T mean they get to make decisions for my future.
Tell those voices in your head telling you that you're stuck to STFU and pack your bags princess. You are too too precious to be treated as such. You are a daughter of the most high KING. Turn your weakness into strength by asking God to make a way out for you & put one foot in front of the other walking step by step into freedom. The freedom that God has for you on the other side. Let me tell you girl, it's so much better. A land of milk and honey. A land of hope for your future again. A land of peace post trauma, yes it's here, on THIS side. Let your voice be HEARD! Silence isn't always golden. Give me your hand, I'll help you up.
And THIS message is to all us women........abused or not, we need to lift each other up. Instead of pointing fingers and looking down on other women......reach your hand out and help pick them up. We would be a much better world if we all did that. We NEED each other, so drop your haughty attitude and humble yourself. Sit dowwwwnnn, be humble.... (Kendrick lamar)